Had my little brother sleep over tonight. We had a lot of fun together, as usual. He's gone to see our Aniki now, but left his (desktop) computer here, so he'll have to stop by again before going home.
Oh yeah, and my mom really liked the strawberry flavored rooibush tea I served her when she dropped Sigmund off. That made me so happy. It doesn't bother me so much that she won't drink real tea because of the caffeine when I have something else I like that I can serve her instead.
Outside approval is ridiculously important to me.
Anyway.. Haven't written much lately. Been feeling a bit down, mostly over my own inadequacies. But at least I had plenty of clear floor space when I had my mom over.
Sometimes I wish my parents had instilled a stronger sense of discipline in me. If that was even possible. Wanting to be disciplined does not help much. I'm up past eleven again. It wouldn't surprise me if I found myself still awake at one.
Yesterday morning, I was shocked when I read about Kielle's passing. I didn't know her, but I knew of her, and I regret that I never made an effort to get to know her. She always seemed like an interesting person to me.
Then I saw my doctor. Talked mostly about my sleep disorder, and after a lot of discussion managed to get my way. At first she thought it improbable that my inability to stay asleep was breathing-related, but she didn't have any better suggestions, and she couldn't refute my idea with anything more than "I'm a doctor with seven years of med school behind me" and she's going to write to a sleep lab so I can have my sleep monitored.
Although the noise from Lorelai annoys me at night, I'm pretty sure that's not what's keeping me awake. I had trouble sleeping while in Brosvika too, and it was completely silent at night there. I did have one night of uninterrupted sleep, though.. and woke up feeling relatively rested in the morning. One night in how many years?
I still want to move. Maybe not far. Same part of town would be nice.
My doctor supported the idea immediately when I voiced a desire to see a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist (what's the difference again? I'm not very educated on this area) again. It's going to take a while to find one I am comfortable with. The one I had before moving here was nice, but I had to change once I moved, and didn't like the new one at all. Felt she didn't take me seriously.
Have felt that way with my doctor too, on several occasions. This time when I told her that, she asked me why I felt that way, and I explained that I had researched a little, found that sleep apnea or something similar fits, and I can't really find anything else that does, and neither can she.. so how can she just brush it aside as improbable? That's when she finally agreed to venture down that path.
I'm not sure what to hope for. I suppose the worst that could happen is that they don't find the reason. Or would that mean it has to be psychological? I'm not able to breathe freely normally, so I'm pretty sure it has something to do with breath.
Later that day, a classical moment in my family's communication skills happened: I get a phone call from my Aniki, who asks me if Sigmund is going to visit me, which I had not heard of. He had been unable to reach Sigmund or mom because the line was busy (someone was online), and he had to call my dad to get my number. So I load up Trillian because the family computer usually has MSN messenger running when they are online, and the first thing that happens is my dad IMs me saying that Audun (Aniki) is going to call me soon. I contact Sigmund and manage to relay messages between him and Audun and we work out that he'll visit me, then Aniki.
I think I am easily influenced. Started watching Hikaru no Go today (despite my decision to hold it off until after I've written my article on slugs, but I still have writer's block), and the game looks interesting, I want to try playing. I'm sure there are websites where one can play, but I want to play on a real board with real pieces.
yay, written a >4k post. Suppose I should at least partially cut it. It's mostly too boring to take up its full space on everyone's friendspages. The kind of entry I write just to put down a date for an event.
Had a brief conversation with the vile one in the kitchen this morning, starting with shouting and ending in a civilized tone. He spoke up on what he thinks about me, for the first time. I'm amazed that he managed to convey the message without hostility. I mean, wow, he was perfectly non-hostile when he said he thought I only added to the strife of the household, that he didn't hate me, and that he thought I was a coward because I always go to Harriet-san with problems instead of directly confronting him. I told him I found him threatening at times, and naturally conceded that he had never actually done anything to me save that time when he forced himself into my room to carry on a conversation I didn't want to have.
I told him it bothered me when he leaves his dirty dishes in the kitchen and disappears for a whole day. He said I don't clean up after myself right away either, though not counting in days. Didn't bother to argue with that, even though I don't think he has much of a case against me there. Did get the impression that he'd improve. Of course mentioned that I am bothered by the stench of tobacco in the house. He acted as if that was not my decision. Of course it's not, it's Harriet's decision, and she does not want any smoking in her house.
Forgot to mention my constant irritation over hair in the shower. Anyway, I think we got somewhere.
Next time, I should ask why he still lives here if he's as unhappy as he seems about the situation.
Also been ded some today.. so I'm not that tired/sleepy right now, but I'll try to go to bed before 2 at least.