December 22nd, 2006

Kuchiki Rukia - Never meant to belong

(no subject)


So far, today has been awful.
Like every day this week, woke up tired and really just wanted to sleep some more. Delayed needlessly, reading LJ and Fark, taking respite in Odessa's presence. It was already past ten when I left the house.

Had to take a purposeful step away from the platform edge as the subway rolled in. All I could think of was falling in front of the train, graceful, slow-motion. I started crying as I entered. I continued on my way to work. Over the music on my mp3 player, I heard people talking; to each other, or on their cellphones. The same syllables repeated over and over again. Cacophony.

It got worse and worse the closer I got to work. I stood in the hallway for a few minutes before finally entering the office. I wanted to turn around and run.

Mercifully quiet at first, people started trickling in and the background noise level rose, and I put my music back on. People left for the other room for the christmas lunch. I stayed here. I went over there to check it out, but I couldn't even make myself enter the room. A couple of people made half-hearted attempts to get me to join them, but soon gave up when I ignored them. One of them just put a plate of 'food' down next to me. I can't quite tell what it is. Some kind of meat in a gravy that most definitely contains MSG. Quickboiled rice. Plastic fork. I flinched when he got close to me.

I need to go home now, or I'll run out of tissues.

I wonder if I can make myself come back on January the 2nd. Probably not.

More stress, but the not-so-bad kind this time.


Packing to stay with my mom for a while.
Odessa returned at nine. She started meowing when I took down the suitcase, and crying when she realized I wasn't going to let her out again. She calmed down when I encouraged her to go lurk under the bed; I haven't heard a word from her since. Had to check that she was still there and not mysteriously vanished. She's there. Maybe she feels safe because I'm going to have a lot of trouble getting her out again if she doesn't cooperate?

Still need to get one more gift. Shouldn't be a problem. I'll have to do laundry at mom's house. Still not a problem.

Port forwarding seems to be rather erratic on my new router. I can't VNC in from outside of my local network, though I forwarded the port. uTorrent worked without forwarding ports (uPnP actually works?!), DCC sends in mIRC worked after I forwarded the ports.. I don't get it.

Since I have the laptop, I suppose I can survive without being able to "call home".. but that doesn't make me all that much less upset about it.

Found some Anton Berg chocolates in my closet. Just expired earlier this month, so we have to eat it now, right? ^_^

Will post again from mom's house, she has DSL and I will not forget to bring a spare patch cable. I also will not forget the mouse (hate laptop touchpads) or the cable that lets me view stuff on the TV. Have already remembered to copy the latest House and Smallville episodes to the laptop harddrive for my little brother's benefit - I already watched those.