I lie in bed, the cat beside me, keeping watch. She may not be able to protect me, but she most definitely will warn me of approaching danger. It is dark, the lights are off, middle of the night. I can see her outline in the faint illumination provided by several green LEDs from my computers. I reach over and stroke her softly, her fur like silk under my hand. I tell her I love her, again and again. Daisuki. The word becomes a litany, a spell to make her stay with me. And she does.
During the daytime she roams, hunts, or sleeps in the attic where no one can reach her. Only occasionally will she visit me, like today. But during the night she is all mine, a companion stretched out beside me like a lover. I tell her I love her, again, and without words she tells me she loves me too.
It's been a long day of nothingness. Oblivion. I don't even know what I spent the day on. When I got out of bed. I know I showered, had breakfast with tea, because I do those things every day. After that, what did I do? I've read, watched two or three episodes of anime, folded the clean laundry and put away the hanging rack, swept the floor, cooked something that would have passed for dinner if I was a student, done the dishes.. not quite enough to fill a day. Where did those hours go?
I drank tonight, a glass of amaretto, not to get drunk, just for the soothing effect. It felt good, it felt normal. It's what regular people do, right? They have a drink once in a while, when they feel like it.
Without intending to, I have attained a buzz. In this state of detachment, as if there is a filter between myself and reality, I perceive the world slightly differently.
I pull up VICE, the emulator, and continue where I left off. I manage to get the explosives. Now what do I do? I can use the explosives without the detonator, but how far away do I have to be to escape the blast? Do I need a detonator after all? How do I use it? How will I know if I am successful in using the explosives? What if I blow up the wrong thing?
I wish my Aniki were here.
Sobriety returns to me, along with all the worries I have in this world. All of which could be solved if I had enough money.
I walk through my room, slowly, deliberately. She is waiting for me in bed, patient, as if she faces eternity and is at peace with that.
I note the shopping list beside my door, acquired items crossed out. Egg, milk, bread, video card for Matsuri. A few unfulfilled needs. Spinach pasta, hard drive for Secunda, scented candles. I wonder if normal people ever mix groceries and hardware like that.
The tulips are in full bloom. Sometimes I hold the leaves for her, making it easier for her to devour them. She spends long minutes, chewing on the crisp green leaves. Afterwards, she smells of dead tulips. I savor it while it lasts, knowing I cannot afford to buy her more flowers for at least a month.
Sometimes she does not eat, but smells the flowers instead. Flowers seem to make her happier.
We both miss summer.