This morning was harsh. Dead tired from lack of sleep, I struggled through my morning routine, opting to skip tea and breakfast to make it on time.
At the subway station, a huge truck was idling, full of slaughtered trees. I wanted to yell "It's not december yet you bloody murderers!" at them. Every december the 1st, they start selling christmas trees in that location. I guess they are starting a day earlier this year.
Rows upon rows of murdered trees, the scent of pain and sap sharp in contrast to the trees' normal smell. I call it "the Corpse Market"
I'm glad my family has a fake tree. We used to always get a real one, and I'd be the one to care for it and keep it watered and in as little pain as possible, under the circumstances. Figures that they'd finally get a plastic one the year I started celebrating Giftmas in Florida. So this is the third year with the fake tree.
I felt nothing but resentment for my fellow commuters. Many were having loud conversations, either with each other or on a cell phone. Many high-school age kids.
Off the subway, they migrate in droves to their bus stops. I don't want to be a part of that, but I don't have much choice in the matter.
While I wait for the bus, I look at the cars going by. Very few of them have passengers. Everyone is alone. We don't talk to strangers on the bus. If you don't have your own microcosm with you, like some do, you are doomed to solitude. I can sense that if I could break through the fear of approaching someone, I'd be met with incredulity, and the unspoken words "Why the hell are you talking to me?"
There was a girl on the bus I didn't feel any hostility to, though. She looked very much like a girl who used to take the same bus as me, years ago.. but I don't think it was her.
I still think of her sometimes, and regret that I never even asked her name.
I had to take a few hours on the couch here at work - nobody gave me any flak for it, thankfully. I felt completely burned out. I think I might ask for tomorrow off if I can manage to speak to my boss. I might stay at home anyway.. I find it really hard to ask for time off, since I already have wednesdays as my mental health day. I don't find it quite so hard to take time off, because I need it and I often get the feeling that going to work is meaningless. And it's dangerous to go outside. I could get hit by another person who had far too little sleep, but decided to take the car to work anyway. I could catch some bug from a stupid co-worker who doesn't even cover his mouth when coughing. I may be exposed to second-hand smoke on the way to and from work. I could slip on the ice and injure myself again.