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I'm not lost, I just don't know where I'm going.
But I'm determined to enjoy the journey.
  This morning was harsh. Dead tired from lack of sleep, I… 
30th-Nov-2006 16:12
TenTen - Invisible
 

This morning was harsh. Dead tired from lack of sleep, I struggled through my morning routine, opting to skip tea and breakfast to make it on time.
At the subway station, a huge truck was idling, full of slaughtered trees. I wanted to yell "It's not december yet you bloody murderers!" at them. Every december the 1st, they start selling christmas trees in that location. I guess they are starting a day earlier this year.
Rows upon rows of murdered trees, the scent of pain and sap sharp in contrast to the trees' normal smell. I call it "the Corpse Market"

I'm glad my family has a fake tree. We used to always get a real one, and I'd be the one to care for it and keep it watered and in as little pain as possible, under the circumstances. Figures that they'd finally get a plastic one the year I started celebrating Giftmas in Florida. So this is the third year with the fake tree.

I felt nothing but resentment for my fellow commuters. Many were having loud conversations, either with each other or on a cell phone. Many high-school age kids.
Off the subway, they migrate in droves to their bus stops. I don't want to be a part of that, but I don't have much choice in the matter.

While I wait for the bus, I look at the cars going by. Very few of them have passengers. Everyone is alone. We don't talk to strangers on the bus. If you don't have your own microcosm with you, like some do, you are doomed to solitude. I can sense that if I could break through the fear of approaching someone, I'd be met with incredulity, and the unspoken words "Why the hell are you talking to me?"

There was a girl on the bus I didn't feel any hostility to, though. She looked very much like a girl who used to take the same bus as me, years ago.. but I don't think it was her.
I still think of her sometimes, and regret that I never even asked her name.

I had to take a few hours on the couch here at work - nobody gave me any flak for it, thankfully. I felt completely burned out. I think I might ask for tomorrow off if I can manage to speak to my boss. I might stay at home anyway.. I find it really hard to ask for time off, since I already have wednesdays as my mental health day. I don't find it quite so hard to take time off, because I need it and I often get the feeling that going to work is meaningless. And it's dangerous to go outside. I could get hit by another person who had far too little sleep, but decided to take the car to work anyway. I could catch some bug from a stupid co-worker who doesn't even cover his mouth when coughing. I may be exposed to second-hand smoke on the way to and from work. I could slip on the ice and injure myself again.
Comments 
30th-Nov-2006 18:08 (UTC)
I can sense that if I could break through the fear of approaching someone, I'd be met with incredulity, and the unspoken words "Why the hell are you talking to me?"

Whereas, I believe you are wrong and that there are other people inside of that vehicle thinking the exact same thing.
People in general aren't as annoying as you'd think.

... but why do you resent people having conversations? That makes no sense...
30th-Nov-2006 18:28 (UTC)
I don't bother striking up converstations with strangers because I feel they would get annoyed and just wish I would stop talking already. Why do I assume this? Because, the few rare times this has happened to me, this is how I tended to feel and just wished they'd shut up already so I could get some more sleep on the bus.

Guess on that thought, how would you feel if the reverse happened and strangers tried talking to you?
30th-Nov-2006 18:46 (UTC)
I live in Angola. I literally have random strangers pulling off the road and talking to me as I walk home from work.
Most of those people are people asking for directions, but random strangers strike up conversations with me all the time - and I'm happy to indulge.
30th-Nov-2006 20:10 (UTC)
I loathe how infrequently I get the chance to engage others in conversation. Oftentimes I can count the number of conversations I have on a weekly basis with non-family members on one hand. And part of that is my fault, certainly, but even if I were to try to strike up a conversation with a stranger, the entire time I'd feel like I was prying/needlessly bothering them.

It's just sad how much people isolate each other. Everybody seems to have their little niches and they have a hell of a time letting anyone new in.
1st-Dec-2006 10:14 (UTC)
It sounds like you have more difficulties with the commute than with the work itself. Have you talked this over with your caseworker? If they do realise that it's the commute that's the problem, they might just possibly decide to try paying for at cab.
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