So far, today has been awful.
Like every day this week, woke up tired and really just wanted to sleep some more. Delayed needlessly, reading LJ and Fark, taking respite in Odessa's presence. It was already past ten when I left the house.
Had to take a purposeful step away from the platform edge as the subway rolled in. All I could think of was falling in front of the train, graceful, slow-motion. I started crying as I entered. I continued on my way to work. Over the music on my mp3 player, I heard people talking; to each other, or on their cellphones. The same syllables repeated over and over again. Cacophony.
It got worse and worse the closer I got to work. I stood in the hallway for a few minutes before finally entering the office. I wanted to turn around and run.
Mercifully quiet at first, people started trickling in and the background noise level rose, and I put my music back on. People left for the other room for the christmas lunch. I stayed here. I went over there to check it out, but I couldn't even make myself enter the room. A couple of people made half-hearted attempts to get me to join them, but soon gave up when I ignored them. One of them just put a plate of 'food' down next to me. I can't quite tell what it is. Some kind of meat in a gravy that most definitely contains MSG. Quickboiled rice. Plastic fork. I flinched when he got close to me.
I need to go home now, or I'll run out of tissues.
I wonder if I can make myself come back on January the 2nd. Probably not.