It's past 2 AM, and I still can't sleep. Maybe if I stay up long enough I'll be so ded tomorrow I have no chance at all to get to work. I don't want to go.
Tuesday was bad. Very bad. I only got there on time by skipping breakfast and tea. Going to work was okay, being at work wasn't too bad - had a meeting with my boss, which touched on some sensitive things and I cried a lot, but it was progress at least. And I got my chair back. Couldn't find my filter bags as I was leaving home, so I just grabbed a box of teabags so I'd have something, but it was pretty bad. Damn Lipton, they don't know how to treat tea leaves at all. The point with flavored teas is to complement the natural flavor of the tea, not drown it out! Otherwise you might as well be drinking tisane instead.
Going home was where things got really bad. Although traffic wasn't really that bad, and the buses weren't overcrowded.. Apparently I was going too slow for the assholes in the car that could barely wait for me to cross the road. They honked at me as they passed and I felt anger. I took my time waiting for a window of opportunity to cross the last road, stopping in the traffic isle in the middle to let other cars pass first, no way I was trusting them not to hit me. I saw a cyclist almost get run over by a car that didn't slow down at all before the speed bump that's supposed to protect us pedestrians. I was terrified. That could have been me, and the car could have gone just a little bit faster. I could have been killed on Tuesday.
I think about that a lot, but Tuesday even more than usual. "Maybe this is the day I die" I thought. "I wonder which one of those cars it will be."
I cried almost the entire way home, and remembering it now brings it all back.
I'm also noticing a disturbing trend where the difficulty level is lowered, and even that seems hard to me.
The meds helped a lot at first, but now I'm at least as weepy as I was before I started taking them.
I had my working hours reduced so I could avoid the morning rush, and I find it just as hard to get up in the morning, leave early enough to get to work on time and still have breakfast.