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I'm not lost, I just don't know where I'm going.
But I'm determined to enjoy the journey.
Getting stuff done. I have a problem with it. 
27th-Feb-2009 20:25
ginko
 

I have never been a particular energetic person, but recently I've felt more tired than usual. Some days I can't quite do the daily maintenance level of things. Have to decide if I'm going to eat healthily or go out and get some exercise. Don't have the energy to do both.
Dishes are sometimes left in the sink for days. I didn't have this problem when I lived with others; I really, really can't stand having people yell at me, so I worked hard to make sure they never had any reason to.

I can't seem to get ahead. The past couple of weeks I have broken down crying several times, thinking I can't cope with this - all the things I need to do for my health, my mental health, and my home. And I'd like to do things for others as well, you know? I still visit my grandmother several times a week, but there are some days I don't where I could have, if only I'd had a surplus of energy.

I finished knitting a sock today. Nineteen days after I started it. That's kind of pathetic. I'm satisfied with how it turned out, but come on.. Nearly three weeks to complete ONE sock?

I have tasks that have been on hold for over a year. Setting up Yoki, for instance. I got him before I moved here, so.. it's been at least 14 months. In all that time, I've barely touched him. Just now, I found the XP CD I bought to install on him, which has been a stalling point for me.. maybe I can finally get around to getting him up and running the way I'd like to. After I get a new NIC for him.. He's old enough where the onboard probably isn't gigabit.

My home suffers from CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. Boxes and stuff everywhere. I've lived this way for pretty much as long as I can remember, and it's part of the reason why I'm depressed. I haven't changed the litterbox for months. (This is not nearly as bad as it sounds as my cat very rarely uses it - she prefers to go outdoors. There's no poop in it.)

I have two 10-liter sacks of flower soil just lying there on the kitchen floor. They've been there for at least a month now, I think. I was going to put new soil in my flower boxes and plant something, but I never got further than throwing out the old soil (which I had to do because Odessa decided to use it as a litterbox).

Clothes are dropped wherever I get undressed, be it the bedroom, living room or bathroom, and usually remain where they are until I do laundry. Laundry is one task I don't have trouble getting done. Clean clothes is a necessity. Wool or other things that require washing by hand, though, tend to lie in the laundry pile for months. Just the other day, I cleaned my self-knit socks, three out of four pairs, by hand... for the first time. The fourth pair of socks (the second pair I knit) is of a superwash yarn and goes in with my regular laundry. That might be the reason they have grown looser, though.. They seem to just slip off my feet now. Ah well, didn't like that pair much anyway. Maybe I can give them away to someone with larger feet.

Oh yes, and I haven't touched the shawl I'm knitting for my grandmother for at least half a year now. The pattern calls for a crocheted edge, which I have no clue how to do, but you'd think I could at least finish the knitting part - over halfway done with that. It uses three different yarn types, and I hate having to change yarns every few rows.

The library boat arrives tomorrow. I still haven't touched a few of the books I borrowed a year ago. Last time it was here, half a year ago, I delivered three books and checked out two new ones. I'll be handing in three books tomorrow. Hopefully not checking out more than one new book.

And the big one - I still haven't finished filling out the application for disability pension. I should have done that like a year ago. Or two, but as the time to move grew near, it seemed pointless to submit it while still living in Oslo. I was supposed to finish it together with my doctor yesterday, but apparently it was a school holiday or something as the bus didn't come, and then I just broke down and couldn't cope with the situation. If I had known ahead of time that the bus wouldn't run that day, I don't think I'd have much of a problem with calling for a taxi. Re-scheduled appointment to March 13th. Hopefully I'll have more of the application filled out by then.

Right now my main stress factor is my sister's wedding. I'll be leaving on Wednesday, and will be gone for a whole week, but I don't know exactly how much time I'll spend where in-between. I have this terrible feeling of being a burden on my family and I shouldn't expose them too much to my neediness; my sister is the main character this time. Part of me wants to just not go. But I know they want me to come, and I've already bought the train tickets so it'd be a huge waste if I didn't go. Odessa will be fine alone for a week, and my aunt will probably make sure she has food and water while I'm gone. I'm just worried about having a mental breakdown and not having anywhere to withdraw to, I think. I've only ever been to one wedding before, and that was a normal one. This will be a mormon wedding and I have no idea what to expect. Oh, and there'll be tons of people I don't know there. I can feel the panic creeping in now at meeting the in-laws, being asked "what do you do?" and such questions. I know very well they're not really judging me. In fact they don't really care if I'm a failure in the eyes of society or a successful businesswoman. The question is just asked because it's the normal thing to ask. Maybe I'll enhance the truth. It really doesn't matter. It's not like I'm going to have any kind of regular contact with those people.
Comments 
1st-Mar-2009 10:44 (UTC) - Crying at weddings.
Weddings and funerals are the two kinds of events where it's considered OK to start crying in public, as long as itæs done silently, so I wouldn't worry to much about having a breakdown. Just remember to bring enough tissues.

Don't hesitate to call me if you need a bed in Oslo. I've got four spare ones.

Being tired after such a long trip is considered normal, so if you need some time on your own the first couple of days, just claim that you're tired, and want to lie down some.

"Between jobs" is probably the best answer to the inlaws inquiries.

And a tip: If you haven't tried Melatonin for regulatng sleep rhythms before, pop into a healthfood store in Sweden, and get some, at least to try. (You're allowed to bring three months supply into Norway, as with any other medicine you've bought in another EU country.)
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