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I'm not lost, I just don't know where I'm going.
But I'm determined to enjoy the journey.
A Day in the Life, part 1 (part 2 probably won't be written up) 
1st-Dec-2012 15:48
Io
 

Yesterday was a terrible day, the main reason of being that I barely slept any the previous night. But this entry is about today.

I got out of bed around ten, early for me. Had two different nightmares, one of which I still remember snippets of. It contained an alien being that was infecting reality itself. Really creepy stuff.

So I get up, check up on social media. Eat a few mixed nuts. Read. Make tea, drink a cup and a half while reading more interesting things on the internet, and resuming my doomed game of XCOM. Listen to a playlist compiled around this time last year. Cry some, because my mind is still frayed from yesterday. Struggle with getting a fire going. Take a shower, because I have to. I skipped showering yesterday and now I smell, and my hair is greasy. I'm not going to get through today if I'm not clean.

Sit around in towels for a bit. I grab two slices of bread from the freezer and put them in the toaster. Then I flip them over and toast them again because my toaster is partially broken and only the outside heating element works. I slather them with delicious cheese-on-a-tube and consider it a good choice in terms of food vs. dishes that need cleaning later.

A tit peeks in through the window, and I remember that I currently don't have any food out for them. I grab some and walk out in the slightly snow-covered grass of my garden wearing nothing but a bra, deposit the food and quickly retreat into the warmth, and finish getting dressed. I don't catch a cold from this. It was maybe six seconds outside, and it's not even that cold. But it's snowing..


I notice I'm not having my usual near-panic attack from seeing the first serious snow of the season. Figure it must be because I already felt that way yesterday; decide that this means I AM AHEAD OF THE GAME! Go me!

Recently I have been starting to think of my depression as an enemy that lives in my brain, or that my brain is my enemy. It is trying to destroy me. Not out of malice, but because it is in its nature to do so. Maybe we are competing for resources, or maybe it just doesn't recognize me as a sentient being with a right to life. Well, no, of course it must recognize me as a person, else why would it talk to me? It tells me things such as when I do nice things for others, it is only because I want people to like me. That my unkind and selfish words yesterday morning is just another symptom of me being a terrible person and he should just break up with me, and it's no wonder my friends barely even talk to me.

So I decide to name this entity, this enemy brain of mine. I do this by looking up the Japanese words for 'enemy' and 'brain', grab the base radical for each, look up which kanji contain both of those, and there's one match. One of the readings for the character is shuu. I have its name. The meaning of the kanji is by the way 'dried meat' which is oddly appropriate because this entity is completely jerky.

I realize that in addition to all the things on my to-do list for today, I really need to do laundry. I empty the laundry baskets onto the floor and sort the laundry, warm and cold. I end up with more than a full load of warm, and start the load. Hungry again. I grab the pot from the sink, clean it, and dump in the frozen leftover soup I had the foresight to move from freezer to fridge last night. Wonder if I'll have the energy to do the dishes at all today. I'm definitely not leaving the house, not even to check the mail. It can wait until tomorrow, like the compost bucket I had scheduled to take out yesterday. It's full now, but only because I ate a whole bunch of in-the-shell peanuts recently. So it doesn't stink.

Soup is ready. Eating. Now it's time to put my current game of XCOM out of its misery. Can three squaddies and three rookies take on the alien base? I don't think so. But if I don't, it's the end of the game. There's pretty much worldwide panic, and if I don't get the panic reduction bonus of taking out the base, it's the end of the XCOM Project.
Comments 
2nd-Dec-2012 00:36 (UTC)
I never named mine, because it was a part of me I wanted purged. It is my nemesis, a portion of my mind that should be neglected at best and exiled at worse. It has inflicted a great deal of pain on myself and a not-insignificant amount upon my friends. It made me lash out in anger and frustration, it made me believe that I was an insignificant gnat that deserved to be snuffed out so others wouldn't have to suffer my presence.

It did not deserve a name. Maybe I should have treated mine better though, as I'm pretty sure suppressing that part of me isn't exactly healthy. Your approach is likely to be much better for you in the long run. I pretty much have to hide from my dark side.


On a not-so-related note:
Your 'unkind and selfish words' yesterday morning were a symptom... of you needing more sleep. I will admit that they weren't exactly nice and I did initially act a bit too defensively; I'd like to fault the perpetual one-upmanship of my PPU in her issues, but really I'm thinking that we were both too tired to think in a more normal manner. Once I was awake enough to think more clearly, I decided that this was just a bad day for you and to try and support you the best I could in my not-exactly-healthy state. I apologize if that did not come across as I had intended.
2nd-Dec-2012 00:49 (UTC)
You came across as hurt, and that just made shuu go all "you are a terrible person for hurting the people who love you" and so on.

My current strategy is to mock it incessantly. I'll let you know how it goes.
2nd-Dec-2012 00:52 (UTC)
Please do, mockery is a great way of handling such vile forces.
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