Astral Viking (kriatyrr) wrote,
Astral Viking
kriatyrr

 

I am not doing well.

It's not terrible - at least not now - but I did have a major depressive episode about a week into the year that lasted more than a full day. Just about everything is causing me stress these days.

We saw our immigration lawyer on the 15th. Have a better idea of our options now, but there are choices to be made and deadlines and I don't have the freedom to do exactly what I want.

Basically, I can get married now, but then if I left the US again before everything is fully processed (which can easily take half a year or more), I'm going to have a really hard time re-entering. The worst thing about this option is that I'm here on a tourist visa and I'm supposed to leave the country by the 12th of next month (my return flight is on the 9th).

We could do nothing, I go home as planned, and we apply for a K1 Visa for me. That could take over a year, in which spoon and I wouldn't be able to see each other.
Initially I was sort of leaning towards getting married and staying, but I have so much to go back to Norway for. Also, getting married is sure to complicate my plans for buying the cabin. I mean, the money in the BSU account can only be used to buy one's first home, and if I get married I'll be co-owner of this house.. argh.

Meanwhile I haven't even talked to my bank about getting a loan so I can buy the cabin, because of my avoidant personality. It is so incredibly hard to force myself into doing something with multiple unknown factors. I have to know what to expect to feel comfortable.

- - -

I've had a few days to think about it now, and I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of not going back home as originally planned. What rules it out as an option for me is that I wouldn't know when I could go back - no escape route.

I miss being alone for days. Now that rekenner is here, I don't even have weekdays during working hours to myself. There's no spare bedroom I could stay in if I feel the need to be alone. As I'm typing this, I'm alone in the family room at 1 AM. Everyone else already went to bed. I don't want to go up there because I'll wake up aetherspoon, but I'll have to eventually because I need to pee and he still considers fixing the downstairs toilet a low priority. I don't want to disturb anyone. We've had lots of nights of insufficient sleep and to me, being woken up is terrible. I don't want to inflict that on others.
In most things, I have a hard time putting my own needs first, or even at equal importance to the needs of others. I wonder if that's why I initially wanted to stay in the US; because if I go, I won't be back for longer than ever, and I'm deeply concerned about how aetherspoon will cope with my extended absence. Ultimately my own fear of doing the wrong thing was stronger. As a tourist in this country, overstaying my alloted time could jeopardize my chances of being let back in again. I can't take that risk.

2:30 now. Somehow I've managed to make it this far, but I'm really thirsty now. Going to bed soon. Probably.
Tags: insomnia, mental health
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