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I'm not lost, I just don't know where I'm going.
But I'm determined to enjoy the journey.
April, day 18 
19th-Apr-2014 00:42
Self greenhair
 

Up sometime after noon, as usual. Gorgeous weather today, and I don't imagine it's going to last, so I went out to the lake. I enjoyed the walk, and it felt so nice to sit by the lake and read. There's no cell signal at the "beach" so there were no distractions. Just me, Janet Mock's memoir, and hot green tea. (further in, there's a small peninsula where there is cell signal. Also a very nice place to go, but that's an extra ten or more minutes)

Today is the eight-year anniversary of my tubal ligation surgery. Still one of the best decisions I've made about which direction my life should go. I felt closer to being the person I was meant to be after the operation. More whole.

I still long for the other surgery I want-- a double mastectomy. I imagine I'd feel more whole, more me if I could get rid of the breasts. But, fat chance of getting that. I'd have to get breast cancer, and 1) discover it soon enough that it wouldn't kill me, and 2) discover it late enough that they don't just remove one tiny lump. Also it doesn't run in my family, so.. I'm probably stuck with these udders until the day that I die.

I spend a lot of time thinking about gender identity. I find myself unwilling to entirely embrace or reject womanhood. I haven't clearly defined what it means for me to be a woman. I am very fond of gender neutral language - I hate having my gender pointed out and specified. I never want to be anyone's wife, but I'm fine with being a spouse. I'm a person first, and "woman" shows up on the list somewhere below geek, knitter, introvert, cat lover, part-time hermit and dendrophile.

I still need to sort out some issues related to gender. The gender roles I grew up with were toxic, and have affected how I think about gender. But it's not a priority at this point.. Whether I am a woman or something non-binary isn't much of a concern right now. I need to get other aspects of my life in order. I need cats. I need to de-clutter. I need to be able to sleep at night and have some energy to face the day. I need to increase my physical activity. I want to read more.
Comments 
(Deleted comment)
19th-Apr-2014 23:14 (UTC)
Yeah, sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I'm not intentionally ignoring you, it's just.. I tend to put aside things I don't know how to deal with and focus on whichever of the most pressing issues in my life I can deal with. It's just so incredibly difficult and awkward to get to know someone new. I am not sure yet if I want to friend you or not.
Casual social interaction like this is probably the best way to start.
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