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I'm not lost, I just don't know where I'm going.
But I'm determined to enjoy the journey.
April, day 29 
30th-Apr-2014 00:54

Last night I got drunk. Played Skyrim for a while. Somehow only died once (and that was from just messing around) despite playing on Legendary difficulty with a character I used to play on Master difficulty (My character Yarl doesn't do enchanting, so his equipment is kind of random and not so great). I made sure to drink plenty of water, which I'm sure made a difference, as I woke up in decently good condition.

Today I have cast on a new pair of socks. I haven't quite decided on how to decorate them; probably some chevron pattern to make it interesting. I don't care much for plain striped socks, which is what they'd become if I didn't do anything special.

Tumblr really illustrates how I have almost no social capital. I make something cool, post a photo of it, and get a couple of likes. Maybe a reblog. Often no notes at all. But then if a popular blog reblogs it, I can get a dozen notes just like that. If I signal boost something, one or two of my followers will pass it on to theirs. I have almost no audience, no platform. It makes me sad, but I don't feel that I have a right to complain. After all, most of the time I don't have anything to say. And the people I know fairly well who have thousands of followers, well, they all deserve their platforms and have likely worked hard to build up that large a following.
Then again I've also crossed path with absolute assholes who still have a few thousand followers. What is it that draw people to some people and not others? I have this "Theory of Personal Gravity" that I'm working on. It's difficult to put into words, but you sort of see how groups of people orbit celebrities, pulled in by their gravitational field. I'm no star, but I should at least be a planet with a few moons of my own.
It hasn't been said to my face, but I have seen people on Twitter dismiss someone as "a nobody with fifty followers" and that freaking hurts. Some of us don't have that attribute that draw people to us in droves. It doesn't make us less important.

I don't think I've ever gone beyond 50-ish on any media. I have 50 here (and with how abandoned LJ is, maybe around 10 of them still read me occasionally), 60 followers on twitter (estimate around a third are abandoned accounts, only 5ish people talk to me regularly and more than half haven't so much as said "hi" to me), I had 46 "friends" on Facebook when I deactivated my account in February. That is the extent of my personal gravity. It stops there. I can't draw in more people than that.

And I can't help but feel that if maybe I had the ear of someone with thousands of followers and they retweeted one clever thing I said, I could reach escape velocity. But the numbers wouldn't mean much if they're still not interacting with me.

I need a community that's a little bit wider than just the ~10 we are in #asr.
My community is also almost entirely white, cis, male and hetero and that can be a bit stifling. At least they're all geeks. Several have cats, and most who don't still like cats.
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