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I'm not lost, I just don't know where I'm going.
But I'm determined to enjoy the journey.
Sometimes the only way out is through. 
30th-Jan-2015 03:09
女暗部 - bewilderment / distress
 

I just have to get through this. But I am so scared of starting something when there are multiple unknown factors. It's not like I can back out now.. my aunt is counting on me buying the cabin, my loan is approved, all I have to do is sign and return the contract. Yet I have been procrastinating about that for over a month now. I did try to stop by the office one time I was in Eivindvik but it turned out they were closed that day. I think I would be more comfortable handing over the documents instead of mailing them. Have to do what works for me.

I have not knit anything in what feels like three months. I'm sure it's more like two, maybe one and a half. So that's one big stress relief activity I don't have. It's stupid.. all I have to do is either find my old notes (hopeless) or do a couple of measurements and re-calculate the pattern. I still procrastinate about this.

I felt such a relief after I actually pulled myself together and sent that e-mail to my contact at Dyrebeskyttelsen, but weeks later I don't even know if it's been read. Calling is not something I can envision myself doing. I feel like I've been abandoned to fend for myself. They're supposed to cover food/litter/vet costs for foster kitties. Yet I've had zero support and no contact since I got the kitties back over seven months ago today. Food for three cats isn't cheap.. luckily two of them prefer to go outside rather than use the litterbox indoors, and I've only now reached the end of my litter supply from around a year ago. I have ordered more, but it hasn't even shipped yet.

A bit over two weeks ago, my desktop died from a power surge. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I ordered replacement parts. They have not yet arrived.

I feel like I'm being treated as unimportant by.. well, everyone who isn't a close friend. I can't remember when I last saw the psychiatric nurse either. Before christmas, I think? Apart from running into her randomly in Eivndvik. I need help and I'm not receiving it. Left to my own devices, things just slowly crumble and fall apart. The cats really need a check-up. Pretty sure they have worms, and that Turbo has ear mites. Xiomara has been throwing up several times in the past few days and I worry about her. Fanari is doing great, though, and I wrote in my e-mail that I think she is ready for a forever home now. I sure will miss her.. she's a great cat.

It's hard to keep going. Life is very difficult, and if I didn't think it would get any better I'd probably just give up. But it is going to get better. I just don't know how. And.. it's only going to take me fifteen years to pay off my loan. In the mean time, the monthly payments are less than twice my rent. I'll have to pay more attention to my other expenses and figure out how to eat more cheaply (already making significant progress in that area).. and once it's over, my living expenses are going to be so low it'll be a delight. Just property taxes and renovation fees and whatnot. But I can't envision the path from here to there.

Also I would really like to see a dentist again before this vague feeling of something needing attention turns into an actual crisis, but my local dentist isn't accepting new patients now or in the foreseeable future. At this point it seems more feasible to see a dentist in the US come April. Can't get anything done locally until then anyway. Traveling to Bergen or Førde would also be an option.. I'd just need to get an appointment at an hour compatible with bus/boat schedules.
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