Astral Viking (kriatyrr) wrote,
Astral Viking

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a bit blue, but not downright depressed. giftmas musings and stuff.

Today was overcast and I didn't get to see the sun at all. Consequentely, I was in somewhat low spirits, feeling like I was just trudging along the all too familiar path that never goes anywhere.

Sometimes, all the fancy tea in the world can't stand up to a single cup of pure green tea. That cup of China Moon Palace really hit the spot.. I'm a bit tired of all those "three fruits and five flowers" kind of teas.

Anyway, got travel insurance. For a whole year, actually, since it wasn't that much more expensive than for just the one trip, and now I'm insured whenever I leave my municipality. Yay, or something. Oh, and I went by Vindern on my way back home, stopped by the fruits/vegetables/crazy import foods store, and got a börek and some tofu. I don't think they used to sell tofu there before.. never noticed it. Anyway, yay, now I have someplace within walking distance to get tofu.

Jan is here again. He just left after spending a few hours parked in front of the television. To give an indication of how lazy he is, he hasn't done anything to clean the TV screen. Seeing that it was covered in a thick layer of dust a few days ago, I decided to practice my katakana handwriting and wrote "bakayaro" in the dust. ^_^ >_>

Gotten up to episode 40 of One Piece so far, will likely cover a couple more episodes before the end of the day.

I had a thought the other day (yeah, it happens to me too) about winter holidays and the increased suicide rates. Does one cause the other? Do we celebrate our holidays because we need it in all this darkness to keep us from going bonkers and offing ourselves, or does all the holiday hysteria and forced togetherness with our dysfunctional families we avoid like the plague during the sane season simply become too much for us? Or do the two lock together to form some sort of perpetual motion device?

I'm generally more depressed at this time of year, though the last few have been pretty good. What gets me down, apart from the excessive tree killings, is usually some form of intolerance from my family. Last year, my aniki was the one who hurt me the most. Because I cared about and respected him a lot, his words carried a lot more weight, and he was in a position to hurt me more than anyone else. I didn't really have a choice other than to cut myself off from him emotionally. He won't be able to hurt me that badly again.

Small things get to me. Small things like a disparaging remarks about my choice to have a beer to accompany the christmas dinner. My aniki, like the rest of my siblings, does not subscribe to the mormon faith and its strict rules. I didn't expect him to act like I was bringing something evil and sinful into the house. That's the kind of thing I'd expect from a hardcore mormon. Yet I didn't get any negative words from my mormon parents. I guess they realize that I am an adult, which means I have a right to make these decisions for myself. And I go about it responsibly, so there's no reason for anyone to butt in with their holier than thou opinions.
As an older sibling myself, I understand that it doesn't sink in easily that one's younger sibs have all grown up. I can't believe my sister turns eighteen in less than a month.

Another thing I don't like is the pressure to buy gifts. I can't afford to, so I feel guilty when my friends and family get me stuff and I don't give them anything. I'd rather not get anything than to feel like I "owe" something. That's not what giving is about, but I'm sure my family isn't the only where some people expect to be given stuff. I've been guilty of that myself. I love getting presents. But those times I've actually had money to spend on stuff, I enjoyed giving more than I did getting.

And I realized just now that this is because I see myself as the provider. I've always been the one to introduce my younger siblings to new cool stuff. I'm the one who finds neat stuff online, and has a good enough connection to upload it to my friends. When I am unable to live up to the provider role, it makes me unhappy. When I am the one being provided for.. it makes me feel worthless. Even though I know very well that my worth isn't defined by how useful I am to others.. It's one of those cases where my intellect and my emotions are in completely different places.

I'm kind of happy I won't be spending giftmas with my family this year. I'm sure it would be a lot of fun and good times, but there's always that one thing that ruins everything.

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