Whenever I go attention whoring, I either get little or no response, or the wrong kind of response. It has seemed to me as a bit of a curse, sometimes.
But I'm okay. I had a good day. Johan met me after work, we went to his place, cooked a wonderful dinner and watched Crying Freeman. Excellent manga to live action adaption.
In the past, I never seemed to get along with other females well. The one that comes to mind first and foremost is Melissamaya. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't quite find it in me to like her. She broke rules and got moderated, and whined about "unfair" moderations.. I never did. But she socialized, and it seemed to me that everyone liked her. She adapted to the place and after a while only infrequently got modded.
I always felt like I was in her shadow. We weren't many women on that message board. I used to feel that she got the attention that rightfully belonged to me. It's a bit of a silly notion.. but, every time I'd speak up about it, she'd chastise me and tell me to just go with the flow, or just jump into the conversation, be a natural part of it, to be yourself.
Well excuse me, but at that point in life I was an insecure twenty-one year old with the social intelligence of an eight year old.
And even though I decided a while ago that my "social ineptness" was just an excuse to not try harder.. there are situations where I have no clue how to deal with (and so I tend to deal with it by avoiding it), and there are things I do not understand about social interaction.
But it fascinates me. I observe from my vantage point that some people get more attention than others. I just lack the ability to understand why.
Being the outgoing type accounts for some of it, I guess. I used to be very introverted, I like to think I am more balanced now. It still requires courage to express myself. I worry - constantly - what people will think of me. But I can't just go out and ask, because that's attention whoring/fishing for compliments, and never, ever gets me what I want.
Right.. so it's forty minutes past midnight and I'm on my second mug of Sencha.. better finish this off and get some sleep.
And not spend twenty minutes reading friends and friendsfriends, commenting a couple of places. Gah. I'll have to write a follow-up to this entry later.
Or, if I could get back on track.. There's a certain twinge of something akin to jealousy when someone is showered with affection/attention and I am not. I recognize it as irrational and suppress it; there is nothing I can do about it that would make anything better for anyone.
I never really gave it much thought, but now, looking at my writing style here on LJ.. I try to grab attention. It makes me happy when I get comments, particularly from the people who don't comment much in here.
Placing too much importance on outside forces is not good.. it detracts from the self. Lately, I've felt that I have been losing myself somewhat - my personality blurring. There was a time not so long ago where I could sum myself up in a single word.. but I've strayed from that word. I never stay.
Perhaps the word I should use to define myself is Wanderer. I never stay, and I rarely return.
I haven't logged into Gamefaqs since before leaving for Florida - tried once after getting back, but it didn't accept the password firefox had saved, so I just said "screw it, I don't really need to log in".. I've only looked at E2 once since then. It's part of the past. I don't think I'll go back.
::logs into Nationstates before they purge again::
Some day I might forget those, too.
But I don't see myself leaving LJ any time soon. This is way too comfortable. Anyway.. if there was a point I was trying to make, maybe it was that I'm okay. I know that Love (using this term to include any affection/appreciation this time) is there, unconditionally, even when it's unspoken. Oftentimes, it's as if I can feel the reader taking the post in, a smirk playing across their lips for an instant. Those are the times I don't need the comments.
The main reason I blog is to talk to people.. so feel free to talk to me, on topic or off. It's what I'm here for.
1:50. It only took me four hours to write this entry. -_-'